i fucking love this kid with all my heart. no matter what happens to me, or to him, or to us simultaneously. he's the best.

still, though, i'm feeling like the captain of the titanic. or maybe more than that, i'm like one of those musicians. whether it was foolish devotion, or (still foolish) loyalty, stubbornness, fear, whatever the fuck it was.... it's gonna take me down too.

but i'm still fond of you, oh-oh-a-oh

sam cooke. you send me. bee-yoo-ti-ful (if i were andy warhol, oooooh)



sometimes, certain songs can stir such emotions in me, such strong emotions, that i literally have to stop listening.

it's not always sadness, either. sometimes i just get so overwhelmed with fondness for certain people, certain situations, i guess it would be love? but love isn't an emotion, maybe it's happiness...? the giddy, full, warm feeling, knowing that you have these amazing people in your life. people that, no matter how bad it gets, they just have that capability to make everything tolerable, even enjoyable.



it makes me smile to the point of exhaustion, makes me brim with silly tears. bee-yoo-ti-ful.

whoa there, girl. two posts in one day.

oddness abounds. next sunday my best gal, kelqui, and i are attending a haim/feldman film festival at the hollywood cinemas in woodridge, il. at least, that's the plan as of right now. you can never tell with the two of us.

i just signed up to become a member on turner classic movies' main site. for no real reason other than it's all i've been watching lately, i feel as if robert osborne and ben mankiewicz are intimates of mine, practically.

god! i'm a dork. i know it, i'm okay with it at least.

'you all may be her beaus, but i taught Josie all she knows'

wild wild wild youth (insert claps)

i can't, i'm sworn to secrecy. but wouldn't you love to know?

my writing is prolific, and yet, i'm not doing anything challenging, anything new.

i've never been good at balancing, i've always plunged headfirst into endeavors while forgetting even important things. there are definitely people that i miss and that i want to see or talk to. i'm just so notoriously bad at it. at being social. evenly social, i guess. i'm either climbing the rafters or bedridden for weeks.

and this isn't even making the least bit of sense, i know, but maybe it will to a few of you.

it's not an apology, just an explanation.

but really, i am the worst.



addendum: this book is pretty damned good.

ones that love us least, the ones we'll die to please.

well.

been an interesting sort of week so far. happy, happy birthday indeed.

one thing i can say, although i have weathered years upon years of generic (and not-so generic) heartbreak, i will always, always have my friends... some have come and gone, of course (sometimes i was the one going)... but goddamn.

sometimes all this poor me, nobody-loves-me bullshit makes me lose sight of who and what is really important to me.

the ones that really matter, i hope they know. i know i probably don't say it enough. but i hope they know.