'He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like.'

●Today I happened upon an episode of The Office I hadn't seen before. It was like the writer's strike never happened!

●And today while making my trek across the vast tundra of Illinois, I saw yet another black Toyota Yaris. Marge and I just saw one yesterday in Palatine. And since I bought the damn car, I've seen about ten or fifteen of 'em. But is it because the black four-door Toyota Yaris is a hot ticket item, or is it just because I've got one now? When I had the '92 Cutlass Ciera (also lovingly known as my bucket 'o junk), I saw them EVERYWHERE. Why is that?!

●Also, I just got suspiciously spammy job offer from some jackass on Facebook. What is this, MySpace?

This article is pretty depressing. And apparently, so is being in the Army...

●Oh, and take that, you record store working, indie rock loving, tight jean wearing, internet surfing, elitist hipster fucks! Yep, I went there.


rant part deux

I have finally realized why I LOATHE Everybody Loves Raymond. I try to avoid it at all costs, but first thing when I get home from work, I turn on the telly... mostly for background noise. And ninety-nine percent of the time, it's still on TBS from the morning, because for some reason I can't miss that hour block of Saved by the Bell. I used to watch the WGN Morning News (which I still love), but the news is much too depressing that early in the morning. Aah but I digress...

Just now, for whatever reason, I sat through an entire episode of Raymond. I don't really remember the entire plot, but at one point he was in the kitchen with his wife and mother, and he BEGS his mother to make him breakfast. BEGS. A grown man. He wasn't happy with his wife's breakfast so he asks his mother to make some.

And then it dawned on me. He's a fucking mama's boy.

But why do I hate mama's boys? Let's just say I've had enough experience with them to know... to know to avoid them at all costs. Infact, one ex in particular LOVED Everybody Loves Raymond, and always tried to get me to watch it. Now I know why. Sissy-ass mama's boys.

One thing I've noticed though... whereas Ray always had to beg for sex from his wife, we had the opposite problem. HAH! Oh, I would feel bad if he wasn't such a jackass. So I really don't care. But this isn't some Sex and the City type rant either. It was actually a rant about bad television... is anyone even reading this thing yet?


the mëtal pöst

● GUITAR HERO HAS KILLED MY LOVE FOR CHEESY EIGHTIES METAL. And I swear to god, If I have to hear that fucking Weezer song one more time, I'm gonna choke someone.

● You know where you are? You're under a dead satellite, baby. You're gonna DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Kickstart My Heart? ...so I bought the new, limited edition 16.9 fl oz can of Red Bull today at work. Which is actually only the equivalent of two regular cans of the energy drink, but considering I had already had a 12 oz'er on my way to work... Can you say sheer heart attack? Yeah, that's right, I referenced two (albeit geeky) things in one paragraph.

● Also, what started as a timekiller at the office has mutated into something much more hilarious. Click here to contribute, and proclaim your metal-ness. And maybe someday we'll have enough to warrant an honorable mention on some other blog... one that people actually read.


All Faith Is Autopsy.

If you have been conscious at all this week, you already know the news. And it's incredibly sad and untimely, but there's nothing more to say that a hundred news sites, blogs, and entertainment shows haven't already said before.

Yes, Heath Ledger died, but what's to become of The Dark Knight? No one was more thrilled than me (except, perhaps, my sister) to watch this film come to fruition. Every photo seen, every little snippet of film kept me in anticipation for July.

It seemed like they have been going in a different direction this time, in the way of marketing. Instead of dark, heroic silhouettes of the protagonist, we've been fed colorfully disturbing shots of the Joker. Even the film's tagline, Why So Serious? is a direct quote from our villain. No other Batman film, at least in my limited memory, so heavily promoted a bad guy.

But this was all before the tragic loss of a halfway decent actor (I would insert a "Couldn't it have been ____?" joke here, but I'm afraid of karmic retribution). Some friends will absolutely crucify me for drawing such a comparison, but at the time of James Dean's death, Giant wasn't exactly poised to be the blockbuster hit of that summer. This takes us into an entirely different realm of promotion v. media sensitivity (an oxymoron if i've ever heard one). Can they still promote the movie as they have been, without offending the memory of Ledger? Honestly I think it would be more offensive to his memory to change anything about their marketing plan. With or without his death, the film has always been about the Joker.

And what will become of our perceptions of the movie? We obviously cannot watch it unbiased anymore- in the back of our mind we'll always know that the release was posthumous, and that the role is the absolute last in his career (Unless they somehow proceed with The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, but I doubt it will even have the popularity of The Dark Knight). How many people will watch and wonder how his performance will conclude his career?

It could go several ways. If his performance is mediocre, it could tarnish his entire legacy. Or worse, it could be glorified by a still-mourning public. Either way, this is something we really haven't seen in our time. River Phoenix, another lost child of Hollywood, only had two minor releases posthumously. The Dark Knight, on the other hand, is this summer's Spiderman.

I suppose it's just a matter of time before we find out how the public reacts. Not to sound crass, but I doubt it will hurt the box office numbers. I will, however, be curious to know how the final chapter of Heath's career is played out.


What the Hell is a Rant?

I'm sorry, but Smash Lab is just a poor man's Mythbusters. I can't seem to get into it. I think they thought they could take all the explosions of Mythbusters and have an instant hit.

But really, they forgot about the hilarious chemistry between Adam and Jamie. How could you not love Adam's baritone impression of Jamie, followed by Jamie in all his walrus-like seriousness?

Smash Lab also has a girl (sorry, a woman) on the show, presumably to up the sex factor, but she doesn't hold a candle to redhead Kari. And let's face it, no one is as witty and sarcastic as Tory, or as geeky as Grant.

I'm sure Discovery was just trying to capitalize on the success of the long-running show, but really, it doesn't compare. Sure, I'm all about the explosions and the high-speed camera, the crashes and the full-scale destruction, but the show would be nothing without its hilarious hosts... I mean really, what's better than blowing up a keg, other than watching their giddy reactions?

I mean it took a while for Mythbusters to hit their stride. Remember the folklorist Heather Something-Something? Yeah, I don't either. It took some tweaking, but they didn't need to change much. Even in the earliest of episodes, we saw something awesome.

So, sorry Smash Lab. I'm sure you might have some success, but you can't hold a candle to the original.

BONUS LOLCAT! This is pretty amazing.



*Unless, of course, they're in beauty school.


Bitches Get Stitches

So why does it seem like John Mayer has something to say about everything that's going around in the media lately? Was he just as bored as I am and decided to start writing to alleviate some of that?

Look, I don't doubt he's a nice guy. I bet he's a riot to hang out with. My beef is with his posting about every topic under the pop culture sun- from the Dallas Cowboy/Jessica Simpson thing (yeah, I don't know slash care either), to drinking and driving (his stance? It's bad), to the Britney Trainwreck. What's worse is that one, he's pretty intelligent, and two, people are reading it. Why does this bother me so much? Well, mostly because HE'S STEALING MY THUNDER.

I bet people would be all over my blog if I had a few hit records out. Pffffft.



So, in a surprising turn of events, I was actually quite busy at work today.

So. Not much to say.

GIMME SOME TOPICS. Beyond all the crap going 'round in the news lately.



Tom Cruise is fucking nuts.



After agonizing over what my first post was going to be (no, seriously), I'm just throwing this up here now to break the ice, so to speak. 

This is not a test!