predict earthquakes!

'you pin a dragon to your hats... you're up in the attic with the bats'

i'm stuck on this self-defeating behavior kick. can't make the flesh do what the rational mind knows is best... ohhhh, but the flesh... the flesh is listless, it's tired, it's waiting for its next release...

nothing quite like the newness and the promise though... the possibility, i guess, the anticipation and the flirtation with something, someone... nothing like it to take your mind off the rest of the mess you call your life.

but that's no way to go through life, is it? one frying pan to another. the faces change but the sentiments don't.


i'm kindof an asshole, huh?


like a frantic inept Lazarus

and i go home having lost her love. and write this book

my pessimistic nature already had prophesied our doom. speaking nervously in dark parking lots i had mentioned my theory on the whole sad courtship debacle, people love love love the chase but when they have it, they realise they don't want it.

that, or people tend to fall in love with the idea of a person, before they truly know them - not that anyone truly knows anyone else anyway, but that's a story for another day - they invent their own backstories, project their hopes and desires, and when reality hits, it's a crushing, lonely blow. it's the proverbial jump-the-shark moment, no one wants to see the end result of courtship, they thrive off the tension and the 'what ifs', will-they-or-won't-they, neatly packaged between the commercials. our nielsen ratings took a dive that first week, and we just never could recover, could we?

if you have a choice of two things and can't decide, take both

yes, mister corso, that's a grand idea and i see what you're preaching, but it's not so black-and-white. we just want it all, and what we cannot have, always pursuing the unattainable and attempting the impossible. something that should always be encouraged in matters of life, career, or education, but in the ways of the figurative heart, it should be a big, blinking, neon "NO". do not attempt, do not pass go, or some such nonsense.

it's akin to those that only want/need the person that will treat them miserably. it's not the same, but it's pretty damn close. WHY on earth do we waste our time, when the rational, sane parts of our brain know that it isn't a good idea? or not even necessarily a bad idea, but just something that essentially does not work? two different expectations, two different sets of desires?

ah it's the morning; and the mourning it is dawning on me too; i had no warning; just a condolence card to tell me that we're through

but really, let's be honest here and admit that it's not the person we mourn, it's not some grand shakespearean tragedy. it's much sadder than that. it's realism: it's knowing that we couldn't make something work. it's another failure to add to the list, and that's what really kills.

i'm sick of these tragic little vignettes. my lexicon is stuck on song lyrics and obscure film references, gushing forth in an overcaffeinated, manic timbre. i can't seem to write about anything else lately. but maybe catharsis is necessary at this point.

"she can't understand suddenly what has happened because she's lost her mind, her usual recognition of self, and feels the eerie buzz of mystery, she really does not know who she is and what for and where she is, she looks out the window and this city is the big bleak bare stage of some giant joke being perpetrated on her."


only the good die young, but in your case we'll make an exception

so in an attempt to make something of myself, once and for all, i have been writing more. blogging more. not that i really consider blogging 'proper' writing - but at this point, i will gladly take anything i can get. if the creative juices can only produce a mere, sporadic blog post every few days, that's more than fine for me. and if someone likes it, bully. and if someone likes it enough to publish (keep your fingers crossed), then even better.

i know that it's rare to actually end up where you originally planned. i know that, and yet, i'm constantly mourning my dreams and aspirations... instead of actually doing anything about it. for the most part, i'm pretty positive... but for some reason, it hasn't been so easy, lately.

usually, all it takes is the love and encouragement of my friends and family; good conversation, hanging out, connecting - usually, that's all i need to make me happy. but on the other hand, i've noticed lately that i haven't been taking care of myself, emotionally speaking at least - allowing myself to be in these unhealthy situations, when i really should know better.

deep down, i know exactly what i want out of life, out of a relationship, out of my limitless future possibilities, but for some reason, i've been wasting my time with people, places, and things that are NOT good for me, that are quite honestly detrimental to my health and my happiness. so what the fuck am i doing?

i don't really know the answer to that. but i do know that i am starting to wake up from it, at least. whatever "it" is.

i want to write, i want to get myself out of this financial hole, i want to travel and really live and be with people that WANT to be with me. and be with me completely - i'm sick of just being someone's monday night entertainment. i'm sick of being with someone on their terms only, emotional immaturity, et cetera, ad nauseam. fuck it.

time to do something. give some meanings to the means to your end.


more "benefit" than "friend"

San Francisco is seriously begging, pleading with me now.

It's too much caffeine, and no real source of nourishment. It's the inside of a song, it's time for your William Tell act...


...homesick blues

it's like leading a double, no, triple life. and yet there's no real satisfaction in any of it.

"work was my dominant thought, not love-- not the pain which impels me to write this even while i don't want to, the pain which won't be eased by the writing of this but heightened, but which will be redeemed, and if only it were a dignified pain and could be placed somewhere other than in this black gutter of shame and loss and noisemaking folly in the night and poor sweat on my brow--"

i'm dreaming of the west coast again. pacific heights inn, beat alleys, onceloved and manic... fuck this scene anyway.

my heart just isn't in it anymore.


little white lies in matching suits and ties

we are in this supposed age of enlightenment, where we can have 'arrangements', unromantic encounters, oh, we're so mature, pretending that it doesn't matter. we pretend so fucking well that it starts to become truth; and you just don't matter anymore.

you're just a warm patch in a cold bed, keeping place until the next body comes along.

and she, she's become too good at this. she's beating 'em at their own game.

(i'm like, half kerouac, half pamela debarres. i speak in confessionals. i breathe rockandroll and heartache. trust me. i've already had a few lifetimes' worth)

but i must say, when you can find someone, someone that you can have a true, honesttogod, 'nsa' (just typing that makes me cringe) agreement with, it can be fun. comforting. gleefully naughty and honest.

but on the other hand... if you have any shred of emotion left for that person, then you're fucked. i definitely do not recommend it, unless you've had a good year's worth of distance.

how do i know this, you ask?

well... let's just say i've experienced both ends of that spectrum, in my modest lifetime. it's enough to make you sick, really. and sometimes i beat myself up about it, having become this cruel, soulless thing, leaving a trail of bruised egos in my wake. but for all the damage i've done, it pales in comparison to the hurt inflicted upon me. or, well, maybe i'm just too sensitive.

at any rate... i'm ready for the rollercoaster to end. enough of this emotionless bedhopping and feigned interest... i want something with substance. no more of this foolishness, either. no more blindly falling head over heels, and enough of the mister good-for-rightnows. i'm done done done.


why is it that teen tragedies are so much more newsworthy than their adult counterparts?

why does the daily hertribfucktimesblah have to spew sadness and injustice about some poor kid getting struck and killed, and yet, YET, they do not deem it newsworthy to spew similarly about a 31-year-old losing his life in the same fashion?!?!?

enough about that. from sadness to anger... why do the good die young, and assholes live forever? i don't mean that literally, but, without naming names, can you tell me how certain people get away with mistreating the people around them? without consequence?!?!

oh fuck it. who cares about protecting the not-so-innocent. in the next couple of days i will be calling OSHA, or whatever Illinois labor agencies there are... i'm going on a rampage. people have to realize they cannot, or will not, get away with mistreating their employees.

i know that bar is on its last legs, which makes me wonder if that's why she's lashing out. she knows she doesn't have that much time left. i can't even imagine how many vendors, customers, etc., she's already owed and/or alienated...

...then again, if you want to run your business into the ground, i guess that's the way to do it!


sweetheart of the rodeo

in honor of Joe Moe and his recent sexy eighties danceparty mix, i will counter that friggin' fantastic compilation with something from the absolute other end of the spectrum.

for your listening pleasure, i give to you:

the kimmy t, breakin' hearts and takin' names mix.

side a

1. The Good Life - Lovers Need Lawyers
2. Brand New - Jesus Christ
3. Interpol - No 'I' In Threesome
4. The Undertones - Get Over You
5. The Exploding Hearts - Rumors in Town
6. The Beach Boys - Here Today
7. The Shangri-Las - Remember (Walkin' in the Sand)
8. Lesley Gore - Maybe I Know
9. Ray Charles - Unchain My Heart
10. The Supremes - You Keep Me Hangin' On
11. Gene Pitney - Town Without Pity

side b

12. Buddy Holly - It Doesn't Matter Anymore
13. Death Cab For Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved
14. Bhopal Stiffs - Bottle it Up
15. Joy Divison - Isolation
16. Naked Raygun - Treason
17. Muse - Our Time is Running Out
18. The Spill Canvas - Lust a Prima Vista
19. Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen in Love
20. Bob Dylan - Positively Fourth Street
21. Violent Femmes - Kiss Off


It'd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren't Rocky

Wow. Not all the time, but especially when it comes to work, I can be pretty goddamn surly. Not something I'm necessarily proud of, but it's a character trait nonetheless, something I can either be ashamed of, or repackage as something 'endearing' or 'charming', depending on your sense of whimsy...

Not sure what made me think of it, other than the drudgery of your average workday.

What else do I think of when my ADD-riddled brain gets a chance to wander, you ask?

Well. My gentleman friend's father, apparently, has a penchant for juggling broads (not his words, but mine). At any given time, he has at least two, if not more, girlfriends on the roster- they're all personal trainers, too, for some reason..

But wow, do I digress... Point is, no one in his family seems to be offended by this at all, and I think that's the most eyebrow-raising aspect of it- more than the act itself, it's the welcoming, or at least accepting reaction of his family members.

Not that what he's doing is inherently wrong, either... but I guess that would depend on who you are asking...

...which does bring me to my main point. Is what he's doing really wrong? I mean, the only thing that would be bad i guess is if the women didn't know of each other.... which they probably don't, in all honesty.... but as long as they were, at the very least, aware of each other, is it really so wrong, what this guy is doing? What is he really guilty of?

I'm not trying to advocate polygamy or anything, not like those sisterwife jackasses- but this guy, he isn't married, isn't trying to get married, he's just casually seeing these women, enjoying their company, and isn't that the point of life anyway?

...that, or I just really need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.


This is fucking hilarious.

This is something that I recently discovered in an old notebook, scribbled and unpublished, from 2/20/2009:

The Breakup Routine

(as practiced by myself and several colleagues)

I know everyone is different. And every breakup is a different situation. Some feel relief, some just accept it, and others go batshit insane... I'd like to think that I've never experienced the latter, but come on, who am I trying to kid?

At any rate, below is our list of post-breakup, therapeutic rituals:

1. Make a mix tape.

Even if you don't give it to the person, compiling your best, angriest songs can sometimes better express the gutwrenching pain you feel.

2. Watch High Fidelity.

Actually, while I'm at it, read Jack Kerouac's The Subterraneans too.

3. Throw a 'party'

(ed. I don't know what this one even means, and I didn't have anything written below it, so we're going to leave it as-is. on to the best one...)

4. Drink to excess.

What else needs to be said? Go out with your friends, have drinks with stupid names, dance and make a fool of yourself. Or stay in and watch lame movies with a bottle of wine by your side.

And while I'm not totally proud to admit this...

5. is Go out and get a rebound.

And whether that's just making out with someone in a crowded bar, taking them home for a one night stand, or picking out china patterns with 'em, the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. Generally, it's smarter to just surround yourself with your family and your friends, but you're gonna have to get back on that horse eventually. Hah. Just remember what the great Gene Pitney once sung: "Only love can break a heart, only love can mend it again".

Of course, I'm sure he wasn't referring to picking up poor unsuspecting rebound bar chicks... then again, maybe he was..

Hilarious, right? And oft times, true. Yeeeeeeah.