so in an attempt to make something of myself, once and for all, i have been writing more. blogging more. not that i really consider blogging 'proper' writing - but at this point, i will gladly take anything i can get. if the creative juices can only produce a mere, sporadic blog post every few days, that's more than fine for me. and if someone likes it, bully. and if someone likes it enough to publish (keep your fingers crossed), then even better.
i know that it's rare to actually end up where you originally planned. i know that, and yet, i'm constantly mourning my dreams and aspirations... instead of actually doing anything about it. for the most part, i'm pretty positive... but for some reason, it hasn't been so easy, lately.
usually, all it takes is the love and encouragement of my friends and family; good conversation, hanging out, connecting - usually, that's all i need to make me happy. but on the other hand, i've noticed lately that i haven't been taking care of myself, emotionally speaking at least - allowing myself to be in these unhealthy situations, when i really should know better.
deep down, i know exactly what i want out of life, out of a relationship, out of my limitless future possibilities, but for some reason, i've been wasting my time with people, places, and things that are NOT good for me, that are quite honestly detrimental to my health and my happiness. so what the fuck am i doing?
i don't really know the answer to that. but i do know that i am starting to wake up from it, at least. whatever "it" is.
i want to write, i want to get myself out of this financial hole, i want to travel and really live and be with people that WANT to be with me. and be with me completely - i'm sick of just being someone's monday night entertainment. i'm sick of being with someone on their terms only, emotional immaturity, et cetera, ad nauseam. fuck it.
time to do something. give some meanings to the means to your end.