O Hai

This is what I did after work.



Featured lolcats in training: my sister's adorable little hellions, Lupe and Iggy

amazing.

joie de vivre!

I've discovered the key to life. Or more accurately, the key to enjoying life...

Or maybe it's just the Red Bull talking. At any rate... add Marion Cotillard to my list of girlcrushes. Vive la France! I must note, though, that she will never replace my Audrey.

Also, I got the best present in the world yesterday. Long nights, rewrites, and rejection letters... here I come!

wow.

I haven't even seen Juno yet, or read Candy Girl for that matter, but I think I'm in love with Diablo Cody.

holy shit, part deux

Um, why is Steve Guttenberg, best known for his recurring role as prankster/manwhore Mahoney in the Police Academy series, at the Oscars? Nothing against him, though. I actually love the Police Academys, and can probably name them all off the top of my head, even though they were only really good up till the fourth, Citizens on Patrol. But I digress...

Apparently, Guttenberg is one of the new stars of the sixth season of ABC series Dancing With The Stars. Hmm. The Oscars is on ABC too... innnnnnnnteresting. Penn Jillette is on the new season also, which really pisses me off. How can someone brilliant enough to pen (no pun intended) the pop culture masterpiece Sock, as well as host the hilarious and underrated Bullshit!, end up dancing on a reality show? Is he really washed-up, or just that desperate?

And why am I still watching this crap?

what the hell is a jigawatt?!

Okay so for the past couple hangs, my friends and I have taken turns attempting to conquer Super Mario All-Stars for the Super Nintendo system... no doubt one of the best games, made for the best system of all time. All-Stars combined all three NES Marios, as well as the original Japanese sequel to the first game (titled for this game 'The Lost Levels'). Admittedly, our collective attention deficit disorder couldn't bring us to complete either Mario One or The Lost Levels, but we did successfully beat Mario Two and Three over the course of a couple nights. And what we've discovered is that nothing really changes...

For starters, even though it's been ten, fifteen years, everyone still knows exactly where to go. And even though you may have the controller, everyone still shouts out directions like they're holding an effing map. Meanwhile, the easiest jumps and villains aren't always vanquished- and the only difference from when we were ten is how our lexicon has matured. I myself used to throw the controller angrily, but now my defeats are peppered with profanities.

And really, it was like watching a sport. Every difficult maneuver was met with oohs and ahhs by the rest of us waiting our turns. For the kids that never really got into football and preferred arts and entertainment... maybe this was our sport. Anyway, while taking our trip down memory lane, we discovered a few absolute truths to the Mario legacy:

● The music box is simply the most pointless thing in Super Mario 3. It didn't even eliminate the mini-villains, the Hammer Brothers. It just put them to sleep! What the hell is the point of that? And honestly, if you can't beat one or two Hammer Brothers, your chances of getting through the rest of the game are pretty slim.

● The Princess is ALWAYS chosen in Super Mario 2. I know that the other characters have their own 'skills', but nothing beats Princess' long jump. That, and girl gamers never pick the boys, given the choice.

● And finally, despite the advancements in video gaming, nothing will beat the original two-dimensional Super Marios.

HOLY SHIT.

I just turned on MTV. And they're not just playing videos, but they're playing one of the best... GnR's Welcome to the Jungle. Did I just step back into 1987? Should I crimp my hair and tease it?

Well, I am wearing legwarmers... so I guess I'm on the right track...

The cheesy eighties metalhead in me is so happy right now.

earth girls are not always easy.

Well apparently the problem was not with Blogger, the problem is with my rather pathetic internet connection at home. Where am I posting from, you ask? Oh. Uhh... nowhere important. Really.

But if you want to see what I really end up doing at work, this is it. Now, there is a backstory behind this, of course, but it really just involves inside jokes and stupid office humor that really isn't funny unless you're there. But since everybody loves zombies, and everybody loves romance, I figured I'd give these two lovebirds another chance.

Maybe eventually I'll give them a history, create a little world for them, or something. Hell, if work continues at this pace, it might even be a graphic novel...

it's more fun to compute.

The best album to listen to on a dreary Monday morning is Kraftwerk's Computer World. If you like this sort of music (i.e., primitive electronic), it's beautiful enough to relax to, but not enough to put you to sleep. It has a very calming effect, enough to combat the blinding rage of having to be figuratively chained to your desk for eight hours a day, five days a week, doing repetitive, mindless tasks that sap your energy and creativity; mindless tasks a monkey could do, but for some reason it pays well enough that you might as well suffer.

I don't know what it is, but I've mentally checked out. No pop culture to be snarky about, nothing to really complain about (other than the above). I try not to complain about work in a public forum such as this, because I know it can come back to haunt you. But god. Kraftwerk is so perfect right now.

Le Tired.

Alright, it's been a few days, and my one reader is pretty pissed about that. Sorry Dan!

So I've been thinking about moving all of this to a new blog site. I hear Wordpress is pretty good, but I'm still shopping around. Don't get me wrong, I like Blogger, but it doesn't give me enough options. Sorry Google.

What else...

Young Homer Simpson just sounds like Abe Simpson, without the congestion.

I drew something at work for this guy, and suddenly I think I'm in love with drawing again. I would post it, but again, Google sucks.

The NIU thing happened, and truthfully I feel bad blogging about all the stupid shit I think about on a daily basis, in light of these fucked-up events. But I did find out Sean is okay, so that's good.

Also, I might finally have guest bloggers. So again, my one reader will be happy.

ouch.

● Ahhh... I don't really have much to say today. I've been sick, sort of- It started a couple days ago. For whatever reasons, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like a giant, twenty pound brick was positioned right above my chest cavity. And another, smaller (more realistically proportioned) brick was perched right on the base of my head, where my hairline ends and my neck begins. There’s a robin’s egg-sized lump back there, too, and it hurt to the touch. Naturally this had me more than mildly alarmed—not only am I a hypochondriac, but I have a raging case of panic disorder.

Well I went to the Doctor today, armed with a purple post-it note of all my symptoms. He had me lie down on the exam table, fold my arms behind my head, and he proceeded to CRACK EVERY BONE IN MY NECK. Whatever he did, it must have looked like he was trying to kill me. He wrenched my head from side to side, each time feeling that staccato of bones- joints, whatever- cracking at a machine gun pace. Apparently, this had something to do with my breathing?

Well I still feel like I can't breathe, but he said that has more to do with my anxiety than anything. Jesus. At least my neck is fine now. As an added bonus, he told me never to go to a chiropractor, because they're frauds. My doctor is hilarious.

● Also... why do people hate Kanye so much? Or maybe I should rephrase that. Why is he such a polarizing character? He's either loved or loathed, and I'm a part of the former. Personally, I agree that he's egotistical, but that's part of his hilariousness. And it's not like he doesn't have the talent to back it up. His music is fucking great. I think the haters just don't want to admit that.

my favorite boys!

● Also... Joel Stein, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... For those of you that don't know him (for shame!) he is a columnist for The Los Angeles Times, a particularly witty columnist at that. Everything he writes is dry, self-deprecating, and riddled with pop-culture goodness. So much so that he's a frequent commentator on those ridiculous E! countdowns, like The Hundred Most Blankety Blanks.. It's no wonder I am at once wanting to be him and wanting to bear his children. Kidding...

And several years back, I actually interviewed him via email, for a school project about our "heroes" or something silly like that. He was more than willing, and gave some decent advice. I couldn't believe he responded, but then again, how many college students aspire to be entertainment columnists/talking heads on I Love the 80s?

● Another guy I'm pretty much jealous of is the host of The Soup, Joel McHale. How can I get paid to make hilariously biting comments on the sad state of pop culture? Seriously though, I'd settle for being an intern.

Honorable Mentions: Amir Blumenfeld, of jakeandamir.com... This guy is also pretty amazing. So far I've only browsed the comics, but the zombie pick up lines alone are priceless.

Watch or Die!

I could have used this in junior high!

Hey, wasn't that our fan?

Tonight, I am incredibly disappointed in my medium. In the era of Wikipedia and IMDB, blogs and forums, and the opportunity for literally EVERYONE in the world to share their information, I can't find one simple little fact.

So I guess I will ask you, reader: How many times do The Wonders play their hit, That Thing You Do, in the film of the same name? Granted, I'm watching it right now and could very well have kept a tally, but I figured hey, that kind of information is bound to be on the internets somewhere. As Lewis Black so eloquently puts it, "What the faaaack?!"


I guess it's not vital information, but I am the unofficial queen of non-vital information.

all I know is that my gut says maybe.

While waiting for the stinging, painful bleach on my head to process...

I voted this morning. And for the rest of the day, I was giddy. I don't know what it is about voting that makes me so... accomplished? I guess I feel accomplished. Or at the very least, I feel like I have contributed, that I have made an attempt to make a difference.

When I was much younger, and punker-than-thou, I might have believed that nothing could really make a difference. And on the flipside of that, when I was in college especially, I thought we had the potential to save the world.

...I guess I'm caught somewhere in between now. I know it's not much, but I like knowing that I've at least made an effort. NOT, underlined, not just so I can bitch about it when things go wrong... but who am I kidding? I probably will anyway.

is that Latin?

This morning I watched Groundhog Day, not because it IS groundhog day, but because I fucking love that movie. Bill Murray is pretty much amazing. And I'm not the type to get all sniffly while watching a film, but the scene where he tries to save the homeless man got me all misty-eyed.

Other films that have made me cry:

● Titanic- Yeah, so fucking what. And I didn't actually cry, and it sure as hell wasn't when Jack and whats-her-name say their goodbyes in the icy Atlantic. No, it was when they showed the old couple, spooning in their bed, while the water filled their room. Sniffle. See, I'm not that coldhearted.

● Big Fish- Okay that whole movie was incredibly beautiful and sad, and I'm not apologizing for bawling like a little girl at the end. I really did. Hah.

And actually, that's it. Really. I'm just not a crier... at least when it comes to film. I was told that Brokeback Mountain is a tearjerker too, but that's exactly why I never watched it. And maybe that's partly why my track record is barely blemished- if I know a film is going to be maudlin or depressing, I tend to avoid it. So much for being open-minded!

back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums...

Why were the Beastie Boys so much better in the eighties and early nineties?

What happened to their comic sensibilites? Their hilarious videos and even better music? I'll tell you what happened: Effing Tibet!

Haha. Just kidding. But seriously, when your fans start pining for your days of misogyny and adolescent hilarity, that's when you know something is wrong. I know the Beasties are older and wiser, and I'm sure any attempt to recapture what they had would just fall short- but do they have to be so serious all the time? While I appreciate their concern for global issues such as Tibet and the environment and god knows what else, can't they just keep it to themselves?

And actually, I feel the same about a lot of these public figures- guys like Bono and Brad Pitt. I'm sure they think that because people are interested in their lives, they somehow feel responsible for 'making a difference' and all that crap. But honestly? It just annoys the piss out of me.

If I had millions of dollars, OF COURSE I would be helping others less fortunate. But I wouldn't be fucking flaunting it either. Because I should be doing it out of the kindness of my own heart, not for publicity or to make myself feel better. Man I hate the fucking Jolie-Pitts. And Bono. Smarmy fucks. FAAACK.

Whew! But I digress. The Beastie Boys, for better or worse, were at their peak when they wrote songs about crafty hos and White Castle fries only coming in one size. And if you want to get technical, their actual peak was the 1989 masterpiece Paul's Boutique... and it was pretty much a slow descent after that. Was it because of the pressure from feminist groups and entire towns upset by their lewd lyrics and even dirtier performances? Or did time simply calm them down?

In this day and age, I suppose they really couldn't make another Licensed to Ill. But the Beasties aren't exactly terrible now, either. They're just... not the same, I guess. I can't blame a band for evolving. But give me Brass Monkey over The Brouhaha any day.